Excused

It seems I am lost

Inside I'm entwined with all I've been working through

It seems I am bound

Determined to thrive against, that which is frowned upon

Oh, Oh, Oh, I go crazy

Oh, Oh, Oh I go absolutely mad

'Cause it seems as though the world is only hell 'til dawn

Then I just get up and go through the motions 'til bed

It seems I am blind

To those who encircle the secret of life

It seems I am mislead

Believing in the mindset of my dead

It seems I am simple

Battered, bruised and excused

Oh, Oh, Oh I go crazy

Oh, Oh, Oh I go absolutely mad

'Cause it seems as though the world is only hell 'til dawn

Then I just get up and go through the motions 'til bed

For Mom

This is what I spoke at my Mother's funeral.

I've always wanted to speak to a crowd, not under these circumstances though If you know me real well you probably think I wrote a poem, but I skipped that for now, anyway, and wrote about my time with mom on her last day at home.

Wednesday I had the day off from work and spent it at home because I was battling a cold. In the morning my mom and I had coffee from my husband and I's Keurig. I'll admit it. I snuck her Tommy's Raspberry coffee. After coffee for most of the morning she either napped or played her favorite Sims video game, with breaks of thinking of more ideas, she was always one for this Sim is to boring, none of the traits I like to use. Or, the romances with her favorite men in the game weren't working out, that game was a soap opera to her and she loved it. Around noon she started to cough along with me and we both shared A little 9 pack of Halls.Every two hours as directed.I read a book for most of the day or was on my computer, but we were there together. She had asked to play Skip Bo on wednesday and I had thought she was not up to cards, so I said tomorrow mom, or, my next day off. Right now she's playing Skip Bo with my Pa and Lorraine at a card table in the clouds while Charlie sits by and watches. Around the time my Husband returned home from work, she was having problems with phlegm. I thought up the best idea ever I think, popsicles. My Mom and I had our seperate popsicles together in the living room, hers was orange mine was cherry. These were the kind of popsicles with jokes on the stick. My joke made my mom laugh and laugh ya wanna know what it was my joke was What's a bunny's favorite music? My mom said something like reggae but I said no Hip Hop and that was cute to the both of us. My Mom's stick had the lame joke something like Why didn't Emma want too go to South America? Because she heard it was Chile there. I know, kinda flat.

My Mom had told me you keep thinking because you're making me feel better. I was always her angel, and now she's mine.

I Have an Angel Now

My Mother has passed away as of 10/18/2012. At some point in the morning.

Her wake and funeral are on Wednesday. 9Am-11Am are public calling and viewing hours. Funeral service and burial are directly following.

Her obit is in Monday's paper. It is beautiful I have already proof read it. It's very well written.

If you would like to know what happened, well, I will tell you. My Mom caught a cold and she was really wheezing bad and had a cough on Wednesday, I was lucky, I got to spend the whole day with her because I had the day off. We suggested calling 9-1-1 on Wednesday night when she was not feeling relief from her cold. She didn't want to, so, we dropped the conversation. Thursday morning around 6:48AM she changed her mind. She got all dolled up for the ambulance, she brushed her hair, teeth, called 9-1-1 and she left the house around 8AM with a hug from my Grandmother and she said herself she'd need her prayers..she was not gone from this house a 1/2 hour. We got the call from Ellis Hospital that she had passed away. Her lungs had failed her in the ambulance and they had tried everything to get her started again. This is the story we believe and this is what we are sticking too to. I did not want an autopsy and it will not be done. My Mother wouldn't want that.

I would love to write more but it is to hard right now.

I know I was always her angel, now she's mine.

Rainbow

The clouds go gray, the Earth seems to shake
All stands stock still, as a glass like lake
Skies over this world, shatter into broken shards
It's raining glass. It's raining glass
Your blood red tears, rip me at the seams
I brush them away, still nothing's as it was
Before we conquered love, it's all a game
Your head I hold, fold back your hair
This kiss will heal, what time has torn apart
I'll hold you now, rivers won't take us under
Holding hands and walking together through the rain
We'll guarantee a rainbow at the end

The Desk

Intricate carvings of lusted after names
They wound this desk that I sit upon
It seems like a stranger takes the pen from my hand
What flows forth can only be known
By the author as she knows

Men become hard headed quick, I hate it
Bitterness, as if they are torn
Makes one feel unwanted and discarded
Like the kisses that barely come
Or, come as a surprise, and whither at their best

Please, I'll carve your name here
Into the stone washed by the rain
Yesterday's anguish of a sad lament

I no longer feel, I crave
I crave what can not be defined
By Valentine's or romantic comedies

I'm never whole, feelings of emptiness coincide
With the rich aroma of a breathless plague

Here! The name stays
As a display of star crossed lovers
Intricate, wounded, and forever inked

Lone Dragon

The pipe smoking man dragged his talons along his thighs
They were spreading. He had never thought of his weight before.
Maybe it was only because he was now thirty
A fire roared in front of him
Crackling at his torture. One on a love seat for two.
Maybe it was only because he was now thirty
His tail twitched and swooshed to scratch his ear
It was cracked and dry. Damn sunshine
Damn dragon's breath, to hell
And with these thoughts he took another swig of lager

Sit With Me

It's getting harder to breathe
As the humidity pushes in on me
I fight to stand tall as the oak
That shades a glamorous picnic table

Maybe I'll sit; maybe I'l stay
But I'll beg for company
That will eventualy move on
Down a road of honest desires

The cricket's resound in my head
Loneliness, my feeling, it spreads
What do I want? No one seems to know
Still I take care of you; through hell and snow

It's getting harder to breathe
I fight to stand tall as the oak
Loneliness, my feeling, it spreads
Taking root in and around my heart

Maybe I'll sit; maybe I'll stay
But I'll beg for company
That will eventualy move on
Down a road of honest desires

What do I want? No one seems to know
Still I take care of you; through hell and snow

Hands

I got a handshake goodbye
It was all I got
It made me miss the Dragonflies
The pony rides, the fairy tale
The Serotonin through my brain
All I was left with
Were the moth's of yesterday
I got a handshake goodbye

My nerves rocked me
When our hands seperated
I knew I'd been jaded
By the whiskey, you'd inebriated
Touched my fears
Only to let go of the joke I was

Too late, I knew to late
The pain you had caused me
Felt something like empty footsteps
Echoing on fire
Blazing through my living room

Out here in the hallway
Out there in the driveway
You took me higher and higher

I got a handshake goodbye
It made me miss the Dragonflies
The pony rides, the fairy tale
The Serotonin through my brain

Over my head
Under my skin
Your hands envelope me
Incarcerate me

I got a handshake goodbye
All I was left with
Were the moth's of yesterday

Far Away

What is today? That makes it seem like a world far, far away.
Where is tomorrow? How does it come in the picture?
Walking down the same beaten path? So am I.
There's only more like me. Who am I to be special?
(There's only more like me. Who am I to be special?)
What is today? That makes it seem like a world far, far away.

Bruins Game 2

I tuned in when the Caps scored.(Maybe I shouldn't have tuned in.) Fight at the end of the 2nd period was awesome. I believed Boston could still pull this off. However, Tim Thomas's playoff streak was snapped by the Cap's goal. The 3rd period began and Bruin's looked sloppy; shooting wide. There was 10:22 left, puck was deflected out of play. 8:49 to go, no more goals by either team. Bruin's fans (such as myself) tensed and feeling grim. Then, out of the safe of miracles BRUINS GOAL by Ben POULIOT w/7:47 to go. The game is now tied 1-1. All Cap's fans get sweaty. Tim Thomas deflects a puck out of play. Bruin's are offside w/5:55 left. What's going to happen?! 2:26 to go, Backstrom gets taken down, from behind, in front of the net.The siren sounds, signaling the end of the 3rd period. Caps and my Boston are now in overtime. Tim Thomas goes into overtime w/28 saves.Caps and Bruins both are shooting wide.4:58 into overtime and still no change. 12:33 to go and Boston has had 2 shots in overtime. Come on! Come on! 9:20 to go in overtime and still no change. What is Boston doing?! 6:42 to go and there's a save by Thomas. 5:29 to go 37 shots by the Bruins, approximately and score is still 1-1. 1:00 minute to go and shot deflected. Thought Bruin's had that one. The siren sounds, 41 shots by the Bruins and no change in score. It's the end of the 1st overtime. The Caps scored a goal in the 2nd overtime and won game 2. 2-1 Washington. Sad.

Life

Here, I stand listening intently to you
Rant and rave about no one, nothing. Impossibilities
Fake, it's all fake. Yet, here I stand

The things I know
I'm praying for you, praying for you
I hope you land on two solid feet
One day sometime soon
I'll be proud to know you, proud to know you
For right now
I'm praying for you, praying for you

I'm letting go of this life
This menace to society
This brain waste called sobriety
The ins and outs of mad labor

Dissolve, resolve, and sift through the sands of time
Fake, it's all fake. The soul it turns
Dashing for laughter in the dark
Tunnels never ending, doors open wide
Push through the edge
I hope you land on two solid feet

One day sometime soon
I'll be proud to know you, proud to know you
For right now
I'm praying for you, praying for you

I'm letting go of this life
This menace to society
This brain waste called sobriety
The ins and outs of mad labor

Days To Forget

The footprints I leave seem to follow me
Curved, un straight, but always true
I left my mark in the sand
Gave me a sense of self, pride
Until the great tide washed away
All I had made

The ships on the horizon of setting sun
Make me lethargic for a sail
to be captain for a day
Just feel alive in surf

What's next?
Where do I go?
Doesn't matter to the moon
And the silver's so bright
I don't care to be anywhere else
Just the water, moon, and me
We whisper secrets to the wind

I long for a whiskey or scotch
That my life wouldn't be such a botch
I'm a blip in time
That the days will soon forget

Sun doesn't hold a ray for me
For I would be to bright too comprehend
For it's always the wisest
That go overlooked, on a hook

We're all as fish in the oceans of life
Cast us off to live another day
Where we'll blur into city sidewalks
With construction and obstruction

The sun will beat
On my days to forget

Branded

Fire burns with a passion
The heat is rushing through me
Searing my skin and making me feel

Feel alive, feel all I haven't felt
Since I was seventeen, so in between
You brought out the best in me
You'd make me smile
Clearly for all to see
I didn't have much to say
Just watching myself fade away

Now, I'm branded by decent love
Two hearts melted into one
Standing tall in the face of the sun
I just want you to know
Nothing compares to hungered lips
And when I taste his salt, bite my tongue
I'm seeing stars again
Watching fireworks in the chilled night air

Fire burns with a passion
Fire's now made me complete
Searing my skin and making me feel

Feel free, feel the wind in my hair
Back in time my life was fast
Life's not boring, no, none of that
I just enjoy more now, take it as it comes 'round

Now that I'm branded
My wings no longer surround so much hollowed ground

Fire burns with a passion
The heat is rushing through me
Searing my skin and making me feel

Mechanical Heart

I hold your heart in the palm of my hand
Who knows which way it will turn next?
Or even if the blood will explode
On my freshly cleaned sheets

Some girls won't dance to this beat
Time ticks away but I'm laughing
I have hyena love for your tortured soul

Your chest gapes at me, so open, so wide
Let's replace your heart with electrical wires
See if you jump as a car battery
Maybe the sparks will set the curtains on fire

I hold your heart in the palm of my hand
Who knows which way it will turn next?
Or even if the blood will explode
On my freshly cleaned sheets

See, I've always been sick, twisted, and grim
Yet, you can't hide my precious it seems
My grin, it gleams, reflecting all of sequined sin

There's masks on the wall, mirrors all abound
To watch the surgeon with the white gloves
No way, you can not escape this pain
Dangerous, I am, and mighty bloodthirsty

I hold your heart in the palm of my hand
Who knows which way it will turn next?
Or even if the blood will explode
On my freshly cleaned sheets

Jerk

You're a jerk to me(You're such a jerk)
You're a jerk to me(You're such a jerk)
I have heard your words, so hurtful
I have seen your face, so hateful
And I know that I have lost this war
Still I have come out alive(Yeah, I'm alive)
Not dead inside, so spiteful
You're a jerk to me(You're such a jerk)
You're a jerk to me(You're such a jerk)
Words are abuse too, you don't realize
It's not physical but I still feel paralyzed
By your bullying of my strong free mind
I don't want to deal, all alone, in the end
Please, please, let me go
You're a jerk to me(You're such a jerk)
You're a jerk to me(You're such a jerk)
Using fists of the verbal
Still when you look in the mirror
Don't you see two faces?
Nah, you don't see anything
So all being, so, all mighty
High with meaning
Bitch, I just hit you with a baseball bat
You're a jerk to me(You're such a jerk)
You're a jerk to me(You're such a jerk)
Monster, monster, you're a mother fucking monster

Older

The mockingbird's song isn't as sweet as a smile from you
Though your heart has broke as easily as it's clasp
We hold it together with rope and safety pins
The way you walk into the world with me at your side
Makes the mockingbird's song seem an opera

Soprano voices drift upon the wind chimes by our porch
As we swing in time with the traffic floating by
Holding hands, no longer functioned to dance
We are in sync as we're silent like ships in the night
Makes solitude a mere past time, unwelcome in solace of company

Time will go by faster each year we grow older
Trust has risen more. Through romance love will be stronger
No matter who questions. We'll still be together
The way you walk into the world with me at your side
Makes me want to fly higher and higher

Your actions show me what words can never accomplish
That you're here with me and I'm not leaving
I swear you're not either, my mockingbird song
Tonight's moon, the day's sun
Neither can hold a candle to the glow of faith

Time will go by faster each year we grow older
We'll want it to stop
And turning, we will stop, to face judgement
In the land that time forgot
We'll sit on clouds of white

Your smile is an opera
That makes my heart fly